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Little Super Monkey's reality needs a spanking...

Greetings and salutations Sub-par Simian X,
it is I the Don Juan of Crime,
the Caligula Caesar of Masterminds...

Dameon Zodiac Jr.

Just as I warned you in my last ultra-chic,
undeniably-untraceable e-mail, that with the
skill of my 3-I's and the power of the mighty
Meglomaniac 5000 Supa' Computa', I would be
regularly eavesdropping on all your "I'm a Stupid
Monkey X" domain's activities.  My analysis...
YOU ARE A POOR PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR AN ARCH-NEMESIS
MONKEY BOY!!!  You do not deserver the honor nor
the repect that follows one who regularly pits wits
against a sorcerous, pro-science, criminal uber-genius.  

How easily I see through your goody-goody vomitous
little schemes of good. Such as the Monkeytronic 3500's
A.I. program "Jared" spouting out these ridiculous
"thoughts of the day" as you call them.  They are
laughably obvious encoded messages to all the clowns of
Simiansburgs to fear and beware Dameon Zodiac Jr.'s
wrath.  Which they rightly should I might add.

But, the simple matter that you have that second-rate
buffon, Evil Luchador of the Apocalypse's, wanted poster
and not my own on your home page is an insult that will not
be forgotten until your stupid cosmic-potassium-enhanced
monkey brain being burned to a cinder.  You have reason
to fear me.

I am now in the final stages in the creational process
of my newest lackey.  It has been tailor-designed with
your painful doom in mind.  When you recieve my next
message it will be your last.

Beware Sub-par Simian X...beware!!!
 
                                           Ha ha hah,
                                        Dameon Zodiac Jr.

Ah Little Dameon!

I received your latest missive, and chuckled a little.  Has
it already been a year since last you wrote?  I've enjoyed
these many months of peace in Simiansburg; I assume the 
3-I unit must have been sidetracked helping you put down
the labor riots at your plants.  I hope that you realize
that it's exactly this type of ruthless overlording that
make people think that you may be evil.  It's also the
reason I've stopped buying your bananas... produce never
tastes as good once blood has been spilt.

Regardless, I suppose I'll address some of the points you
made in your letter.

Regarding the monitoring of the MonkeyTronic 3500: you do
realize that the MT3500 is merely the public communications
hub of the Junior Simian Elite's SuperMonkeyX fansite?  The
truly secret messages pass through the infinitely more
advanced SuperMonkeyTronic 8005, which of course is shielded
from the outside world by an incredibly complicated series
of checks and counter-espionage trojan horses.  You can find
out more about the SMT8005 by circling 182 on the product
information request card that comes in the Junior Simian
Elite's monthly magazine "Eeeeep!"

Regarding the Evil Luchador of the Apocalypse being featured
on the SuperMonkeyX website:  I really hadn't thought about
how that may affect your feelings; you have always been a bit
on the sensitive side.  To be honest, I still see you as
Little Dameon Zodiac Jr., the Terror of the Teeter-Tot! 
I realize that my inability to see you as the adult sociopath
you've become is unfair, and I will take steps to secure the
place on the most wanted list that you have rightfully earned.

Unfortunately, it seems that all I have are grade school photos
that you sent when you applied for the Junior Simian Elite.
Those would look more than a little silly on the most wanted
list.  I'll have the research department see if they can put
together something more recent.  If you have any headshots,
that would definitely help.

Well, I look forward to meeting your new friend once you've
adequately processed him. I also wait with great anticipation
the arrival of your next letter.

              Your's in peace and prosperity,
              SuperMonkeyX

Die Super Monkey X... Die!

Greetings Super Monkey X.

It is I, Dameon Zodiac Jr., son of your infamous
golden age arch nemesis, Dameon Zodiac Sr. Now that 
my "Three I's" unit (Internet-Infiltration-Infantry)
have cracked into the Super Monkey X-computer, I
now know the location of your Super Domain-X Page.  
So beware Super Monkey X, I have ordered a tracer
program code name: "F[expletive deleted] Burn
in Hell Super Monkey X" sent through a back door
in your Super Domain-X Page that will lead me to
the location of the Super Monkey X-cave.

Ha, ha, ha!
 
                                  XXX OOO
                                  Dameon Zodiac Jr.

Some would tremble in fear upon receiving such a horrible message. SuperMonkeyX, however has things well in hand.

Little Dameon,
 
As always I thank you for your kind words, regarding
the NEW internet home of the fabulous,
most groovy, Super Monkey X.  I remember with fondness
the many crazy inventions that your pop came up with
trying to defeat me.  I was sorry to hear that the
effects of the Brain Masher have yet to wear off,
of course, he did do it to himself trying to destroy
me...  It always saddens me to see someone with such
potential to create turned to the devious arts of
madness by scratchy underwear.
 
I see you are starting to carry on the family
business, and I wish you luck on all the legitimate
business interests of the Zodiac Holding Corporation.
I, however, must continue to be vigilant and stop
your nefarious dealings at every turn.  One related
note, I do truly enjoy Zodiac brand Bananas and other
monkey related merchandise, and if you have any
available coupons, please send them to me at the
SuperMonkeyPOBoX.
 
Looking forward to meeting the 3 I's Unit, and hope
that they are enjoying their stay in Simiansburg.
 
As always, I sign off in the name of the great
Monkey Poet, Bobo Oppop,
 
EEEEEEP!
 
SMX
 
P.S. I'm sure you're wondering "How can I get my own
SMX™ Junior Simian Prehensile Tail?" Just send three
crates of bananas to the SuperMonkeyPOBoX.  I'll do
the rest.

Sometimes, we get innocents asking questions that only a monkey would know. Here is one such question.

Dear SuperMonkeyX,

I was at the zoo yesterday.  And there was this big
cage.  And there were monkeys in the cage.  One monkey
had a big, purple butt, it looked like a nose.  Except 
it was on his butt.  The monkey kept screaming,
throwing poop, and touching between his legs.  What
I wanted to know, is why is the moon so big when it
just comes up and then so much smaller when it's up
in the sky?

     Thank you.
          Billy, Age 47

SuperMonkeyX asked his part-time sidekick, ShaolinNinjaX to answer this question for Billy. Sorry Billy, SuperMonkeyX can't answer every question personally. Unfortunately, that's life.

Billy!!

The moon is like a pebble in your Master's hand.
Sweaty and hard.  When your Master places the
pebble in your eye, it seems quite large.  When
the pebble sits far below on the beach, it seems
small.

Think on these words, as I have done and you too
may someday be worthy of an X behind your state of
being.  BigSlowBillyX!!

ShaolinNinjaX

You too could get a personal response from SuperMonkeyX kids! Just use the handy email link below.

Email SuperMonkeyX!